Debbie Gallagher
…remains one of the most popular comedy chickflicks ever. Have you seen it? It’s based around one simple or not so simple question:
Can men and women ever be friends?
In the film, Harry and Sally disagree on this point. He says no, sex will always get in the way. She thinks it is perfectly possible for men and women to be just good friends. The film follows their friendship through times when they really don’t get on, to times when they become very close. But does it ever go beyond friendship? I won’t tell you cos if you haven’t seen it, the last thing I want to do is spoil it for you!
The question is a good one. For me, I’m with Sally. I’ve got loads of male friends and I can’t imagine desire ever getting in the way. Having said that, one of my best friends pointed out that most of my romances start as chummage without rummage (often with someone I wouldn’t dream of dating because I like them too much and don’t want to spoil it), and she laughed at what she called my ‘roadcrew of almosts, we-nearly-dids, and maybe tomorrows!’ I clocked her with my handbag for being a cheeky mare!
Friendship is based on personal chemistry. Sometimes but not always, that chemistry has a sexual element. If that’s the case, all it needs is time and as friendship is built on time together, of course it can help latent attraction to develop. But it doesn’t guarantee anything. After all, if you spend a lot of time with someone, eventually you’ll find a day when they are the most dazzling creature on earth. You’ll also have a day when they look terrible/smell funny/have spinach in their teeth/are being boring. If you’re still there on that day, you’re either a good friend or you’ve got it bad, or both. The line gets dangerously blurred and a little psychic help can save a lot of time!
The same holds true for same sex connections too. The baseline question is this; if someone is potentially fanciable, can you ever get past that and just be friends with them? Let me know what you think:-)
Copyright Debbie Gallagher 2009
Debbie you are so right about this Harry met Sally scenario. My best friend is a female, and she rocks my world, but even though she knows I love her to bits, we just can’t get past the best friends issue. She says she loves me, but she will not take a chance on a relationship. I have tried and tried to move on and even dated other people to see if I can make her wake up – but do you know what, she just befriends the women, who end up finishing with me because they all say I should be with her! why is it she can’t see it? She is very spiritually minded and has had readings where she has been told, she should be with me, but she just says “whatever will be will be”. I know that I cannot force her to be with me completely but in the meantime, I am trying to get on with life. Its not just me though, she has lots of male friends,almost like you a “roadcrew” (in the nicest possible way) but I think it is because she was very much in love with someone before, that she just wont allow the possibility that it may happen again enter her head. Thanks for this blog Debbie, you have helped to make life seem a little less confusing, love and light John
Hiya Debs, you and I could have come from the same mould where “roadcrew” are concerne. Most of my close male friends and firemen and paramedics, and there have definitely been a couple of “almosts” among them, but for one reason or another(thank god)it has never progressed that one step further. I am a strongminded feisty individual, and it is a wonderful tonic to have close male friends who can always be relied upon to be honest with me if I am maybe a little bit off course sometimes(hardly ever!) It would be too much for me to lose them as friends and so I have always said “I don’t sleep with my friends – UNLESS they become a lover”, and believe you me the selection examination is extremely difficult – I am born on the Leo/virgo cusp so there are two bench marks for me and they are good and perfect! It has happened once and as the best relationships are built on friendship maybe one day it will happen again who knows, maybe I will get swept off my feet but until then, the romance has to stay in the films and books where it ALWAYS ends happily ever after. But this is just me and my life, I would never knock it for anyone else, and nothing makes me as an individual happier than seeing 2 people who have been friends turn the friendship into a long lasting and committed relationship. Love does after all make the world go round (apparently!)
Love and light and angel blessings, plus a little bit of mad fairy dust just to make the weekend brighter!
Planet Sunshine
Hi Debbie read your blog and i have seen the film, My answer is yes and no. It depends are they both single and available or are they already in a committed love relationship. Consider this with the number of friends that come and go from our lives can you just imagine if we were to cross that line we just would not have anytime or strength to do anything else. Having a deep friendship is sometimes worth a lot more and last longer than a 3 min rump in the hay and regret. To sum this up in today’s world we all need the friends that we can get. As you all on the show keep saying people come and go in our life’s for a reason.
Regards Sam
Hiya Debbie, I have to say this a fascinating subject & one thats close to my heart. I ALWAYS thought i could just be friends with a guy i met. He was married as was i BUT the attraction was so great that the inevitable happened!! After 6 months of seeing him we agreed to be just friends again but this didn’t work no matter how hard i tried, we ended up back together. In 2007 he went quiet & distant on me & we tried again to be friends but for me i couldn’t cope with this. I know in my heart he is the one but we are both in relationships again. Have told him i don’t want him in my life anymore as cant deal with the feelings i have & meant it at the time but find myself missing him more the words can say! One big mess! I’m sure one day it will come good but waiting is hard! Love and Light, & Angel Blessings. ParmaViolet xoxoxoxox
Hi debbie just read your blog and the comments left on it i can so relate to ParmaViolet i too let someone about 14yrs ago we started to be great friends after first going threw not getting on together.We gradually began meeting although we were both married and it lasted ffor guite a while but had times when we both drew back because of our partners at times.Then it all happened he parted from his wife and he got into another relationship but when it was not working he would always come to me for a shoulder to cry on. But after encouraging him to go away for a holiday He came back with a new lady and he refuses to talk to me anymore. I still love him so much but have to just get on with life and hope one day we can be friends. thank you debbie it as brought to my attention that i am not on my own loveing someone who is with someone else. you are all so wonderful people have a great weekend love to everyone behind the scenes. Doreen.xx
Hi Debbie,
Hmmmm can men and women ever be friends? That’s a complicated one at times. Like Sally and you Debbie, I believe men and women can be friends. I have a few male friends who I am close to and I could never imagine nor would I let sex affect our friendship. I’m proof that opposite genders can be friends. At this moment in time I cannot let anyone get that close to me even if they wanted to (I’m pretty sure they don’t but who knows with men?!). Every single one of my male friends understands this and although all but one of them know absolutely nothing about the reasons why, they all respect it and are patient with me. They barely even joke about it! We have a friendship and that is all. We all value that friendship and I appreciate beyond what they know as they have helped me to begin to regain my trust in men.
However, I believe sex does complicate things. And this is where I am unsure as to whether a friendship can remain without there being other feelings present. Thankfully I’ve not had to go through this as yet (although I would swop it for my experiences from the past any day!).
I missed the show this morning unfortunately. I’ve been so tired that I slept in very late this morning!! It sounds like it was fun though!!
Llawer o gariad,
Lotte xx
Hi lotte
Hope you are ok and well.
Hi Simsy,
Sorry I’ve not replied to your email yet. I’ve been avoiding my emails all week. I’m not so good at the moment but trying to ignore it. I don’t really know what I’m doing except perhaps trying to run away from everything! I’ll reply a.s.a.p, probably tomorrow night when I have some time to myself. Sorry again.
Hope you’re ok.
Lotte xx
Hi Lotte
its ok sort of expected you to be busy, everything is well here. And i hope it gets better for you
sending you love and fairy and angel blessings
Simsy
Hi Everyone
Thank you for these comments!
Planet Sunshine, thank you for the fairy dust1 I’m pretty exacting too! In the end I think friendship’s got to be the basis of love, if the idea is to have a long term relationship, but then again, there are no hard and fast rules; I’ve been with my current partner for 10 years and I recall turning away after our first proper conversation, thinking, ‘Handsome but thinks a lot of himself!’ while he, apparently was thinking ‘Phwoaaar!’
Sam, I get what you are saying. So often a friendship can be ruined by that romp in the hay. I never get quite why. I guess in the end, the romp may not be the beginning of some greater magnetism, it may just be sex. And for some, that may feel like a failure of appeal (’Don’t you want to see me again/get to know me better/get deeper about this/fall in love with me?’) Total can of worms. Strong point you make here, thank you.
Parmaviolet, one big mess? or one long story, not yet ended? Many more chapters yet, more to come in your life around this situation and beyond it – this isn’t a reading you understand, just an observation. I recall lamenting a dodgy timing over a situation long ago, and a shrewd friend saying, ‘It isn’t over yet…’ Here’s to tomorrow and love for you. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Doreen, thank you for sharing your tender story. How sad it is! But sometimes people do very strange things, unaccountable really. At least you know that while you are unique, you are not alone. And moving on with your life is a brave and wise choice to make. Much love and respect to you x
Lotte, thank you as ever for your lucid post! I do think one and all, we need to feel respected before we enter a close situation, because there are so many feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy that can be triggered, as we know. I guess that’s why I feel more confident having relationships with people who have been long term friends. But these things take time, and your way of choosing slowly and carefully, letting things wait and become comfortable, is very strengthening. I feel stronger just reading it!
Lots of love to you
Debbie